Parents, do you get weary from the steady flow of needs, issues and dilemmas that are part of being with kids?
Your emotional well being matters if you want to be an effective parent.
And it takes discipline to keep doing what you don�t feel like stepping up to.
Just like your standard new year�s resolutions - �Eat less.� 'Spend more time with the kids.� - deep down you know everything there is to know about the actions you need to take. The problem is that over time, your resolve gradually slips away until you have lost control of the situation. So here is a little parenting wake call up to help you improve your relationship with your kids and restore energy you thought you would never recoup.
These tips can work with children of every age, and may be customized to the special needs of kids and adults who have Asperger Syndrome, high functioning autism or ADHD. Parenting is a creative act so these tips will fit bettere for some situations than others. Pick one to start working on, write it down, work on it for 10 days, and evaluate.
4 Choices for New Resolve
1. Say it once. When you give your child a reminder or a direction, are you wearing yourself out with words and getting no farther ahead? Your children know exactly how many repeats they get before you mean business. The key is to be serious the first time you give the direction. Until then, you are actually saying, �But you don�t really have to bother listening to me yet.� Expect immediate cooperation. Don�t wait until you are fit to be tied to finally give the consequence.
The Resolution: One chance and the consequence is next. [In select situations, you might decide to have a �one warning� system, and then the consequence comes, without fail.]
2. Don�t give wiggle room. With kids, avoidance is in; cooperation is out. When you say, "Take out the trash" do you mean, "Go take out the trash" or do you mean, "Go take out the trash as soon as I start to scream at you.�? Say the minimum and wait. In a few types of situations, you may need to coach your challenging loved one through the steps of the task. Even then, use only the words you need. Do not embellish in the hope it will help. You will just be falling for their bargaining and ploys to buy time in hopes they get out of the expectation.
The Resolution: Keep it to a short specific statement and wait to see if you need to move into the consequence phase.
3. Don�t explain so much. When you want something done, are you hoping to be talked out of it? You say "No."? Then why would you go into the �why�? Just tell the 'what' , the 'where' and / or the 'when'. Example: �Before you leave [when] put your dishes [what] in the sink [where]. Then stop talking. Your kids will know that there is nowhere to go when they cannot go down a long road of talk. [If every rule has an exception, there are cases where you might want to explain in detail - ONCE - to be sure that it is very clear what needs to be done. A child on the autism spectrum may need specific instruction and to understand the 'why'; a child with ADHD may need a reminder cue until the habit is established.]
The Resolution: Act with confidence.
4. Finish what you start. If you are reminding your child to feed the dog and you remember he did not rake the leaves, do not launch into everything that never got taken care of. That is a strategy that accomplishes nothing because you have gone on a tangent instead of solving a problem. By the time you finish, you won't remember what you started. And it becomes a useless cycle.
The Resolution: Keep to one topic at a time.
If you want to really hold yourself to it, ask a friend or family member to keep you accountable, with a consequence to yourself if you miss or forget the goal. The threat of doing kitchen clean up duty [instead of the kids!] may be just the trick to keep you in line.
Ellen Mossman-Glazer M.Ed. is a Life Skills Coach and Behavior Specialist Consultant. She is the author of two on line e-zines, Emotion Matters: Tools and Tips for Parents, Educators and Caregivers and Social Skills: The Micro Steps. Subscribe for free and see more about Ellen at artofbehaviorchange.com/artofbehaviorchange.com/ You can take a free mini assessment which Ellen will reply to with your first action step. Over her 20 years in special education classrooms and treatment settings, Ellen has seen the struggle that children and adults have when they feel they don't fit in. Currently she works in private practice helping parents, educators, caregivers and their challenging loved ones find the tools to thrive.