A strange paradox exists with our �ungrateful� children: The more we give, the less they appreciate. Why? Because �free handouts� of privileges (i.e., material items and freedoms that are not earned) create disrespect.
Here�s how the disrespect develops:
1. We want to bond with our children, and we want them to be happy because we love them. We want them to have it better - or at least as good - as we had it.
2. As a result, we give our children too much stuff (e.g., designer clothes, T.V., computer, video games, money, etc.), or too much freedom (e.g., activities, freedom from rules, freedom from chores, freedom from discipline, freedom from meeting parental expectations, etc.) -- or both. In other words, we OVER-INDULGE the kid.
3. Eventually our children become dependent on us to GIVE them stuff and freedom because we are not teaching them to EARN stuff and freedom for themselves.
4. Because they are not �learning to earn,� our children become emotionally under-developed (i.e., we have a kid who is chronologically 16-years-old, but is emotionally more like 9-years-old). And they become resentful because of their dependency on us for stuff and freedom . But at the same time, they come to expect a lot of stuff and freedom -- they take it for granted -- they feel entitled to it -- and they want more �more �and more of it.
5. Consequently, we as parents end up feeling detached from our children -- not bonded. And our children seem so damn unhappy. They are experiencing problems in other areas as well (e.g., school), and they are often disrespectful.
When we over-indulge, we end up with children who:
� Are verbally/physically aggressive
� Are overly dependent on parent
� Have less concern for others
� Are self-centered
� Are obnoxious and temperamental
� Lack motivation
� Are manipulative
Why do parents over-indulge?
1. They may not have much money, so they compensate by providing too much freedom
2. They may feel guilty (e.g., because of having to work all the time, not being able to spend enough time with the kid)
3. Their children may have experienced a major life trauma (e.g., death or illness of parent or loved one)
4. They may feel sorry for the kid (e.g., because of divorce or an abandoning
father/mother)
5. They may be afraid of their kid
As a result of over-indulgent parenting, the child:
1. Is in charge rather than the parent (the tail is wagging the dog)
2. Feels entitled to privileges but not responsible for his actions
3. Does not get along well with authority figures
4. Believes the rules do not apply to him
5. Depends on the parent to give him what he wants, but at the same time, resents being dependent �and this resentment comes out as anger and ungratefulness and a strong desire for more and more
6. Gets used to not having to be responsible for anything
7. Finds school boring
8. Often gets labeled ADHD by school officials and mental health professionals
Here is how parents can get the dependency cycle turned around. We are now going to reduce dependency by fostering the development of self-reliance:
1. We want to bond with our children and we want them to be happy and responsible for their behavior and choices.
2. So, we help our children �learn to earn.� We help our children purchase material things with their own money (e.g., from an allowance, money earned by doing chores, money earned from their place of employment, etc.). And, we help our children earn freedom (e.g., by following rules, doing chores, accepting appropriate discipline for misbehavior, meeting reasonable parental expectations).
3. This helps children develop self-reliance, which in turn boosts emotional development, reduces their resentment, sense of entitlement, and their need for more �more �and more.
4. Consequently, we as parents feel bonded to our children � and they are happier and become more responsible!
In summary, wherever there is dependency, resentment is not far behind. And with this resentment comes a huge basket of disrespect. In order to eliminate disrespect, we as parents must eliminate free hand-outs of stuff and freedom. As one parent reported, �I gave my son his first car, and he had it torn up in 3 months. He had to earn money to buy his second car. Now he washes and waxes the thing every weekend."
Mark Huttenlocker, M.A., is a family therapist who works with teens and pre-teens experiencing emotional/behavioral problems associated with Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Conduct Disorder. He works with these children and their parents � in their homes. You may visit his website here: MyOutOfControlTeen.com/sl MyOutOfControlTeen.com/sl